"The magic is inside you. There aint no crystal ball."

My name is Hannah. I am a determined and fun-loving person. I can also become sad and pathetic sometimes. I love God. I love to smoke. Yes, it's bad for me and I'll quit someday. I've come to the conclusion that some things that I have put deep thought into don't really require it and I should just go with the flow. Example 1. Why I drink? There is no real reason. I just do it. Yes, sometimes it can get out of hand, but then sometimes I have the best conversations of my life. I've thought that I hope one day that it wouldn't become a problem....I highly doubt it ever will be. I like to do, it doesn't consume my life. 2. Why I have such big dreams? Because I'm simply meant to. That's pretty much all. 3. Is there really a God? Yes, He is more real to me now, than He was when I felt like I was on top of the world. I can see why people can question that, but it doesn't make sense to look at outside influences for the answers. The answers really are inside of you. When you are looking for God, you can't trust outside sources because they are not you. We are all special and unique and we all have that ability to find ourselves. Just freakin' LOOK! How do I do anything. I have to want to or make myself. No one else can. They can try to influence me, but whether or not I give into that influence (good or bad) is my choice. What I'm basically saying is that we have the power to be amazing, but we have to see it in ourselves and honestly believe it. People can say how great we are until they are blue in the face, but it's up to us whether we believe it or not. Be your own person!!!!!! Just go with the flow! (This post is directed to the human race as a whole. kthanksbye)

Uncomfortable

All of my suitemates are sitting in the commons area planning their weddings. They are showing pictures of their dresses, what colors they are having, who is in their bridal party, when it's going to be, and how they can't wait to spend the rest of their lives with the man they love. All I can say is that I feel awkward. Here I am 20 years old and I'm about as single as they come. This has been bugging me for about a year or so. I'm not unnattractive, nor do I lack personality. I don't fear commitment, in fact, I would love to feel commited to someone. So, what's the problem? I have no idea. I'm not expecting a fairy tale or my prince charming. I just want to feel loved like I know that I could be. I want to wake up in the morning and they be the first person I think about. I want them to think about me when they wake up. Yeah, I'm goofy and silly and not many people take me serious (that is unless you know my deepest self). But, I take love very literally. The more I think about the more I think that I'm just meant to be alone for the rest of my life. I keep telling myself that I am just married to my dreams. Well there has to be a happy median somewhere. I don't want to be the cat lady. I don't want to be the lady that everyone says "She's not much to look at now, but in her day, she was beautiful" "How old is she?" "32". Yes, I sometimes think up entire conversations in my head. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know it's me because it's highly unlikely that there is a problem with every man in the world. Do I make guys uncomfortable with my upfront personality? Do I come off as a mean person? I don't think I do, but then again I don't really know. I'm not gonna lie, I have taken time to plan my wedding down to the littlest detail, but honestly when am I going to actually put it into action? I don't know, the situation in the livingroom just got me to thinking.

Not because I'm telling you what to do, but because I love you

While talking to my cousin Kayla she said this to me. I think they are words to cherish and try to apply to my own life. Not my professional life, but my personal. I am making a very determinded effort to be better. I will be better because there really isn't anything I can't do besides play piano.

People need to quit stealing my ideas! I have about had it and I'm about to flip shit!

I totally understand why I can never follow out with my plans. 1. it's usually my fault. I get too caught up in what's going on around me. The way that I should see things is that stupid little things that go on should not dictate how I go on about my life and my dreams. I cannot keep sitting around worrying about things like SAI and when should I do this and that and worrying about my failing health. That all can be dealt with later. I am a very determined person, but I also tend to fall of the beaten path because of things like partying and hanging with folks. Yes, social interaction is important, but not as much as I have made it. I just have to focus. Stay with my task at hand. I have to make plans, write them, put them into action. Yes, it sounds simple, but my ideas are going to take years to make a reality. I just gotta get my head wrapped around every detail! Because I am making this my life's work, failure is not an option!!!!

"The Girl Who Wears Tie Dye"

I've been hanging out with a lot of different people lately, just because it's a good time and I love it. But, when I talk to them it's all so stupid. What happened to actual conversation? I've been using observation tactics from my sociology class and they are really working. I've come to the conclusion that they aren't unable to hold an actual conversation, but they are worried about the outcome of said conversation. They don't want to express something that might come off as "uncool". It doens't matter if you graduated from high school, you are still in high school mode way after that graduation day. It's not something that just changes over night. Some, it's takes the rest of thier lives for them to realize that it's okay to talk about your feelings and it's okay to have a conversation about something other than alcohol and sex. Now I'm not saying that I'm some big mature adult because I'm not. I would just like some conversation. Just a little chat here and there about life or ideas or something that made you feel something different because we have all had that and the conversation could be AMAZING!
I've started my book. I'm not going to say anything about it other than it's going to be a work in progress for the next 20 years. I have so much to do before I turn 40! I need to get started.

Unresolved

Today after seeing ,we'll call *Alvin* (yeah Sue I'm taking your idea, you can sue me for copyright infringement later) today, I went back to my room and cried for the 15 minutes I had to spare. These tears were unexpected, but I couldn't help it. I cared about this friendship a lot and I ruined it. I could barely muster up a "hey" when I walked past. I will put this on my scale and call this life lesson number 27.